alientines ay

If you know you know ... lol

Last night deep inside my Astral bubble I did some deep shadow work and I can finally look back on mid october on. Rebekah had started pointing out things that she was seing with me to get my attention  about them and Lords know I've tried my best to change but she knew about most of the alphabet soup that is me. This Borderline Personality Disorder you knew I couldn't process feelings properly cause the last 35+ years I have been in fight or flight / survival mode and you and Josh knew that I had said that we all needed therapy but I ADMITTED that I was the one that needed it the most and that I was gonna need support at home and yall said "YOU BOTH SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE" and when I needed y'all the most what did you do? 7 days and only 6hrs of sleeep,  the 4 of those days with maybe a hand full to eat ... 🤔 do you know what that does to someone's mind?... let alone mine? What yall thought was a suicide letter.... "Sorry I'm too broken for you" was me saying sorry because of the fight we had about YOU not letting go of November, I had let it go and I was trying to open up and deal with my own things till you would bring it up. (Yes one or twice I did myself say something about it in passing, but I'm human, I can forgive but doesn't mean I forget something that really hurt me) and yes look at the messages I sent my kids... I was saying sorry that I wasn't the mother they deserved but how I was proud of them and always will be ... I took what I did to try and sleep before I really lost my mind medically and with that has happened I wait too long to get the sleep I needed and that was because of my anxiety (btw found out my seizures are linked to my anxiety, hence the reason for the seziure when you handed me this: 
Here I am in a very fragile mental state that you were trying to force me into a residential psyc ward and give you temp custody of my kids or I was out ... if St. Vincent's hospital cleared me to come home and that apt the next day to check in didn't feel that I needed a residential stay and that just therapy and meds could treat, why wasn't that enough for you ? Why Rebekah did you say yes when I had asked you to marry me if you didn't believe in the "in sickness and in health" and actually stand by those words, I had been crying out and asking for help getting things set up and I just kept getting pushed off to the said cause you hurt... I hurt more than you on a daily but I still try and get up every day that I can or at least try to do things from the bed (cause tablets and laptops) but no, I was not important enough and when I cracked and needed help you pulled the rug from right out from under me ... and yall are the ones that said that I tried to kill myself and let's see 7 days no real sleep and a quick intrusive thought and my head said yup that's what you were trying to do when that WAS NOT MY INTENTION WHAT SO EVER. 
But be that as it may the way that you have done me and my kids instead of being the people of your word you kicked us out instead of giving me time to get something you has the cops take me off the property 20 minutes after the kids left for school and made sure that you weren't there for the kids after school so they could get things they needed and you changed the locks to the doors THAT I NEVER HAD A KEY TO cause I was never without one of you so why have a house key ? 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then Jay has called and texted asking nicely for a few of his and Trevor's things and you have ignored the very kids that you sat there and said that I wasn't welcome but they always would be ... 🤔 and instead  of allowing me to pack my stuff my belongings have been gone through and shits missing out of my jewelry box and my kids didn't have or go into our bathroom unless told yo and they don't mess with my jewelry box ever and wouldn't have take those 2 rings regardless! So who does that leave ? 🤨🤔

It's funny how I was able to get a real read on the situation last night looking over the time line like I did going back to the beginning of Nov. 

The fact that you think that I would do to my kids what my mom did to me and then assume/suggest that's what I did in the fragile mental state that I was in, and I'M a narcissist 🤔 

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