thoughts...

I used to imagine a life filled with warmth, stability, and love.

A life where I’d grow up with my mother by my side, cheering me on at school plays, brushing my hair, telling me I was safe.

I expected to fall in love and be loved back, genuinely, completely.

I imagined being the kind of mother who tucked her kids in every night, whose laughter echoed through the home she built, where joy was the background noise and peace was the norm.

I thought life would be hard at times, sure, but never like this. Never the kind of hurt that leaves you questioning your worth, your sanity, your will to live.

I never expected to be handed loss before I could fully understood the definition of the word.

I never expected to carry so much grief that it silenced my inner child before she had a chance to fully live.

I never expected to have my innocence stolen in the most violent ways, by hands that should have protected me.

I never thought I’d look into my children’s faces one day and feel the unbearable ache of knowing I couldn’t keep them safe from a system that never gave me a fair chance.

I never expected to survive homelessness, betrayal, heartbreak, and accusations that painted me as something I was never meant to be.

And the truth is, it changed me.

Not getting the life I dreamed of didn’t just disappoint me, it damaged me...

It stunted my growth. It completely fractured my sense of self.

I grew up too fast and too confused, unable to trust love, afraid of happiness, always waiting for the rug to be ripped out from under me.

It made me question everything, especially my own worth.

It turned my soft into guarded, and my dreams into defense mechanisms.

And sometimes, even now, I still grieve the life I thought I’d have.

Because that little girl deserved so much more.

But here’s what I’ve learned through the ruins:

Even though I didn’t get the life I expected, I’ve earned the strength that only comes from walking through fire.

Even though I didn’t grow up safe, I’ve learned how to build safety within myself.

Even though I’ve been unloved, mistreated, discarded, I’ve found love in places I never expected, including deep within me.

And though the dream life I once clung to slipped away, I’ve created a new one—messy, real, imperfect, and all mine.

So no, my life didn’t go the way I hoped.

But the woman I became in the process?

She’s someone I never expected either.

And she’s still standing... and I'm proud of her!